mental health

*A creative writing blurb* - The prompt 'My mental illness is like'
this is mine

My mental illness is like
Being trapped in a world
That only I can see
That only I can hear
Where the shadows speak
And the darkness consumes
I can run and hide
But there is no escape
The words and actions of the past
Haunt me by day and come alive by night
I listen to them cry, and scream and ask why
I deal with the harm, the excuses, the lies
I smile because there is no choice
I smile because I want to believe
That after the pain
After the hurt, and tears and blame
That my mental illness will find its peace
And leave me safely to rest and become
A willing participant in a world of my choosing
Be it one that I live in alone or
One that I live in with others
My mental illness will be laid to rest
Without fear or corruption
It will have played its part in learning
About honesty and truth
About what is real and what is false
In a world where seeing is not always believing
My mental illness will no longer by my security blanket
I will move from under it
And embrace the life that was mine all along.

JadedLabyrinth 2013

accidental whore

whores fuck for money
and you do it for free
you arent a whore
you are beneath the whores
fucking and laughing
screaming and playing
open wide and smile for the camera

you tried to run again
tied to the bed
the tears no longer run
medicine is daily until
like magic you can float and dream and breathe
without fear
but you are chained
used
broken
and thrown away

faceless men
holding you down
and hugging you tight
men that dont look at you
they dont see you
you are only a toy
to be played with
to be used
and then broken

they pulled the strings
watching and waiting
telling you the rules
and the consequences
for luck they say
to break you they say
 safety is lost
in the shuffle of rooms

each bed comes with chains
locked doors
and dim lights
empty words and lost promises
you have to graduate up
you have to become a whore
and then they will love you
kiss you
hug you

how long will it take
waiting and wondering
wishing and praying
for a release from this prison
they whisper it quietly
that she is a pro
that she will obey
that she has finally become a whore

keep smiling

my head is bowed
my eyes glazed over
i wait and wait
for this to be over
i touch you and smile
while i  cry inside
i do what you ask
while screaming in pain
but still i smile
and tell you exactly what you wish to hear
i like it
i want it
please
please
please
you paid for the words
you paid for the glazed look
the broken body
the smile that lives only
on her lips
pushing on her
and pulling on her
yelling and moaning
while she stares and breathes
remember its a game
no one gets hurt
keep smiling
like a princess
and keep hiding
the deadness inside

Life or Death

Life or Death

my eyes lose focus
as i think back and wonder why
my body drifts away
as i wait for the plunge that will end it all
i wait
silent
i shed no tears because there are none left
i listen and wait
as the knife is pointed at me
words are whispered
but i dont hear them
I wonder if i am ready to die
I wonder about the life i never had
i grieve for the love i never got
and still i wait
for her to make the decision
i wonder if it will hurt
or if i will finally be at peace

Life or Death

Life or Death

my eyes lose focus
as i think back and wonder why
my body drifts away
as i wait for the plunge that will end it all
i wait
silent
i shed no tears because there are none left
i listen and wait
as the knife is pointed at me
words are whispered
but i dont hear them
I wonder if i am ready to die
I wonder about the life i never had
i grieve for the love i never got
and still i wait
for her to make the decision
i wonder if it will hurt
or if i will finally be at peace

my thoughts are jumbled
my thoughts are sad
i wait for answers
i want for direction
and nothing is there
i am left alone
waiting and watching
still waiting for help
still waiting for attention
wanting love and acceptance
and still
all that is available
is shame and anger
the words that hurt me
the words keep me trapped
i am nothing
i am everything
the broken parts
no longer fit together
the pieces are no longer together
the hurts run to deep
the pain can not be forgotten
did i forget ?
can i remember?
i wait for the answers
i wait for direction
but there is no one there
there is nothing left for me

untitled

my body is broken
the tears will not come

the pain never stops
i remember and forget and remember again

i am lost in the struggle
pushing and hoping and waiting
screaming, crying, praying

waiting to be saved
waiting to save myself

behind the wall
where the memories lie

the door is cracked
the lock is broken

my heart is empty
my mind is shattered

together it forms
someone who is not real

together it forms
the truth
and a lie
where hiding means safety
where protection means hurting

lay my soul bare
there is nothing left to hide

the emptiness consumes me
i slowly disappear

lost

the broken becomes lost
the lost become confused
the confused begin to forget
and then there is nothing left
a shell
a body
broken beyond repair
listless and hopeless
waiting for something
anything
no one is home
no one can hear
everything has stopped
and no one is near
its game that is played
every day
every week
every year
how long does it take to be remembered
how long before you are no longer there

cyr

Unspoken Words

i went to you for help an understanding
you lisetened politely and wished me well
i was the center of attention for a little while
no one else was there
just you and me and all the empty chairs
you let me speak my heart and watched me quietly
giving me the space to say what i needed
you didnt interupt and say you didnt care
but now someone else is here
you know them a little better than me
i became the watcher and listener
the conversation left me and started new
you forgot you were talking to me
i faded into the background
not able to understand why you didnt hear me
maybe i didnt talk loud enough
maybe i didnt demand your attention
maybe i didnt cry and yell and scream
maybe i wanted you to include me just a little
maybe i wanted you to remember i was there
maybe i wanted a hug and a kiss
maybe i wanted you to say you needed me
maybe i needed to here you say i love you
but im still there just waiting patiently to be seen
now there are many more people here
can you even see me anymore
would you notice if i was to leave
would you remember you once cared
i start to walk away silently
the tears roll down my face
i wanted to say thank you 
for talking to me and letting me know you cared
but i didnt i dont want to interrupt
a little sad and a little hurt i still say nothing
i leave the room just for the day
i cant turn my back on you
as i felt you did to me
i will return when you have more time for me
please dont forget me
i will still be here
waiting for when you will come back
and remember that you need me

Powerful Words

today i told someone i hated them
but i didnt mean it
please forgive me

i told someone i loved them
and they thought i lied
why didnt you believe me

i told someone i wished they were dead
that was an accident
please give me another chance

i asked for forgiveness
and you didnt hear me
i said i was sorry

today i called someone a liar
please realize i was just upset
give me a second chance

i swore at someone
i spoke before i thought
please know i didnt mean it

today i laughed at someone i didnt know
i realized how wrong that was
and will never do it again

today i saw a friend get hurt
and was powerless to help
i only saw the tears

today i was the best friend possible
i helped when you needed me to
i made you smile through your tears

i let you know i cared
and that i was there
and always would be

today i made a mistake
and realized i had had to forgive myself
before anyone else would

What I Want

mommy i want to be a writer

will you help me spell the big words

 

mommy i want to be a dancer

will you teach me to stretch

 

mommy i want to be a doctor

will you show me how to make a difference

 

mommy i want to travel

will you let me learn to drive

 

mommy are you there

or did you leave again

 

mommy can you hear me

or are you not listening

 

mommy do you want to know

what i want the most

 

mommy please listen

 

mommy this is imporatant

 

mommy i want to be your daughter

will you love me...

No One

no one saw the little girl
sitting quietly by herself
no one asked where her parents were
or asked why she was alone at night
no one noticed she had no shoes
and her clothes were dirty and ripped
no one asked if she was lost
or needed help
no one gave her a blanket
or something to eat
people went by to busy to notice
to rushed to care
over and over people walked by
talking on cell phones
pulling there kids along
more and more she was glanced at
maybe they wondered a little as to why she was there
but then they forgot
that night a storm came to the little town
rain, snow and even some hail
safe in the warmth of their homes
no one remembered the sad little girl
the next morning all over the news
the story of a missing little girl
found dead and alone
seeking people with any news
shocked this had happened
who was to blame
they just thought someone else
would come and take care of her

At Night

Late at night behind closed doors

no one will hear the yelling

no one will see the tears

no one can help you

these are your parents

they are supposed to protect you, love you

comforted to know your brother and sister are hidden away

with only one warning

"DO NOT COME OUT NO MATTER WHAT"

only five and seven they must be protected

at 10 your their mom their best friend

uh oh mommys home now

be as quiet as you can

she works alot she has headaches

she loves us no matter what

its your fault this happens

the glass starts to break

shes yelling your name

the door crashes open

pretend to be asleep dont move for anything

but it doesnt work

"where are casey and adam"

"where are they hiding"

you say you dont know to protect their lives

she grabs your hair and pulls you from the room

"liar i hate you"

"i wish you were dead"

it doesnt matter your no longer there

everything she says is true

your bad your stupid

"clean up this mess"

glass on the floor alcohol in the air

oh no daddies home now

you start to clean up, to go back to your room

mommy and daddy are drinking again

the fighting starts the threats are thrown

you can hear mommy crying

you have to protect her

runnning to help you get right in the middle

"go away go hide"

when your grabbed and thrown

falling on the floor you realize your mistake

"im sorry mommy help me"

the kicking starts first until its hard to breath

"wheres the others dont tell a lie"

"mommy help me make him stop"

pulled by the leg he picks you up

now the hitting starts until you cant see

"stop crying you baby"

suddenly your dropped everything hurts

laying on the floor, trying not to move

daddy is gone

mommys in her room the door is locked

getting up ignoring the pain you start to clean up

make sure things are neat again turn out the lights

you go try to clean yourself up so you wont frighten your brother and sister

why bother the mirror its happened before

locking the door you go to them happy to see they are sleeping

but you can see they have cried

unable to understand what happens just seeing the bruises

you try not to cry as they wrap around you

"is daddy gone again"

"are you hurt bad"

safely hidden away you keep watch protecting until the end

no one trys to come in he doesnt come back

soon the door will open a new day begins

the bruises will be covered

you just got hurt playing

broken bones will be fixed

nothing ever happened

nothing bad ever happens....

Beads Of Life

the beads of life can come in

every color

every size

but there all different

no two the same

that would throw off the chain

all of them have there on look

there own style

there own design

they can live together

and work out their problems

dont worry about yelling

or screaming

it doesnt matter

everyone counts

they have to fit together

equally or none at all

A Parents Promise

will you promise to never leave me
promise to always be there when needed
promise to love me because im there
just think about it

but promise not to say no

promise you will never go away
promise you wont leave me in the dark
promise not to give up on me

i know im asking alot
maybe even the impossible

but promise to never yell
and smile alot instead

promise to have fun and stay safe
tell me you can promise
maybe not all but some

 

promise to protect me
and keep me safe
make sure im not sick
and to get help when things get rough

 

promise not to lie about the important stuff
promise not to keep me in the dark
promise to tell me whats going on
so i wont worry to much

 

these are the promises that i need to hear
but if you know you wont keep them
then dont promise anything

My sister, My twin

the doctors crowded around you

you were so small and sick

i was fine and i went home

you stayed in the hospital

all the test and operations

they didnt save you

you needed a new liver

a small one like you

but it was to late

you went away

we were almost three

i couldnt protect you

i cant take care of you

make sure your ok

are you happy

we are seperated forever

divided by a line that cant be crossed

from either side

i wonder are you watching me

making sure i stay out of trouble

now im alone and not sue what to do

i cant remember you

but i miss you

Pain

i can feel the pain in my arm

starting to form

and yet i do nothing

i deserve this

its my fault

i make this pain

i cant take it away

suffering is easy

it just reminds me that im still alive

i know my arms looks horrible

and i could care less

cuts on top of cuts

scabs broken open only to bleed again

yet i tell no one of my pain

keeping it to myself so i will be safe

no one can know

my arm grows stiff i know there is blood

and i still want more

nothing can save me

i cant save myself

Tears

i cry for you because i couldnt protect you

i cry for me because i dont know how to save myself

how can you say you understand

when you watch me to see what i do

you yell and scream but it doesnt matter

my tears you want but i have to stop them

cant let them free

i agree to your words to protect myself from pain

you still manage to make me hurt make me cry

i try my hardest but one tear is all thats needed

i turn away but you still know

i wipe my eyes to dry my fears

pretend nothings wrong the wind makes me cry

its over before it began

next time ill be stronger

i wont let you see that you can hurt me

i wont ever hurt you

Dreams

im gonna be a astronaunt

dont take my dreams from me

maybe ill be the president

just be happy for me

ill go to school

and be a good girl

but please just let me dream.

someday ill be a doctor

and help all the sick kids

maybe ill go to Paris

and try all the food

dont tell me i cant do it

because i know i can.

no one knows all

my dreams but me

just be happy with what you see

i cant have your dreams

thats not me.

dont make me cry

and tell me ill fail

dont make me feel bad

for being who i am

i cant be you

i can only be me.

when i tell you my dreams

be happy i still can

be happy for me

and tell me i can.

One Person Less

she watches silently
as she is left behind
her confidence fading
her belief all gone

she struggles to hide
all the scars she cant explain

a sad story is told
a dangerous game is played

nothing went right
lies have been told
but only for protection
tears have fallen freely

emotions slowly set free
sadness and fear are around the most
next comes gulit and shame
questions are asked

doctors are called
no one can help
no one understands

everyone watches her now

whispering around her
quietly they voice there fears
its not the same
she wants her freedom back

but its not possible anymore
everyone knows why
bandages appear like ghosts

everyone says there concerned for her safety

but no ones there when she really needs them
pretending everything is fine
when silently her protected world crumbles
afraid to say to much

she lets people come to there on conclusion
the doctors that dont listen
and friends with fake concern
overprotective parents who try to hard  

they will never know the truth
its far to late now
no where is safe
life isnt fair

all the stares and hostility
it doesnt matter anymore
everything is over
nothing was won

an 18 year old girl died
in her mind she was much older
her parents cried
her friends asked why

the doctors couldnt explain

crying as she died
regretting what she started
the ambulance can to late

and her parents even later
apologies started
everyone cried
it couldnt be fixed

goodbyes wasnt said

in the end death wasnt really the answer
but it wouldnt be changed
everyone mourned the great loss

but no one could really explain why
rumors flew about the truth of the situation
but answers never found

to this day her parents will always wonder

what went wrong for there wonderful daughter
so much to live for but all she saw was the wrongs
forever missed and growing up no more
now her parents fear for the life of her small sister

A simple Touch

a simple touch

told me i was needed

a small hug

told me i was loved

a wave and a smile

oh my gosh you know me

a quick chat

let you know i was there

a long distance phone call

i didnt know you cared

a pinch on the cheek

ouch that hurt...but thanks anyway

all the late night partying

and trips to the movies

they remind me im wanted

you held my hand when i cried

and listened when i was upset

i tell you im sorry i made you worry

but you tell me its ok

it normal when you love someone

i just want to say thank you

for always being there

and not giving up on me

Blocked Out

I can see you standing there

waiting for us to come to you

telling us not to be afraid

i see other people i know standing around

it is very crowded here, we are careful

it is loud here, can you hear me

 

i cant see you anymore

where are you at

we came to be with you

its dark here now, can you see us

we are lost in here

its very quiet, everyone has gone

 

they say we cant stay

they say we have to leave now

they say it isnt time for us yet

we have to leave now

it hurts to stay

 

we will find you again

you will wait for us

we will listen very carefully

for you to call us again

 

Friends

the ones you turn to when you need help

the ones who listen when you need them too

the ones who cry with you when you hurt

the ones who laugh to make you smile

the ones who are always around

when you want them to be or not

the ones who can tell you the truth

and expect an honest answer

the ones who dont mind the long hours

of chats and homework

the ones who can pick up on your mood

and make you feel better

the ones who love you

and tell you your perfect because your you

the ones who would never leave you

when you need help

the ones who will tell you when you need to get help

because they dont want you to die

the ones who stay out all night with you

when your afraid to go home

the ones who stay and get in trouble with you

when youve had to much fun

they know everything bout you

the good the bad and the ugly

and they havent left you yet

the ones who argue about the difference of views

but in the end it didnt matter

thats why there your friends

The Halls

open the door and walk into the dark hall

the halls are crowded, poeple surround you

someone runs into you, all your books hit the floor

no one stops to help, all you possessions

keep trampled under foot, crushed and smashed

people, rushed by, keeping there schedules

talking to friends and grabbing a snack

 

the hall is dark, but not so crowded now

you look at your papers scattered all over the floor

walked on, ripped in two, your glasses are gone

you wonder why you came to school today

your homework has disappeared

your lunch is long gone

 

the hall is dark, no one is around

slowly you get your papers that cant be fixed

the homework that cant be turned in

you stand in the middle of the hallway

and wonder which way is more worth the trouble

go to all the classes and explain you didnt have your work

or just walk out the doors and dont look back

 

the hall is dark, no one will see

the choice is yours and yours alone

the halls are dark

quiet

empty

soon they will be crowded again

will you be there

Help

i stand right in front of you

waiting for you to look at me

through hooded eyes i look at your face

and wonder why you lied

you look at me and still manage not to see me

look right past me, pretend i am not there

i show you my arms, hips,legs, stomach, chest

do you believe me when i say i did it

do you understand, its nothing to do with you

learn and help, dont yell and tell threats

it doesnt matter now does it

tell your lies to cover it up, dont say i did it

who are you protecting more me or you

i stand right in front of you 

waiting for you to look at me

my eyes stay on the ground

finding the floor more interesting

i can feel you look at me

and still i look away, as not to lose ground

i talk quickly rushing the words together

did you hear what i had to say

i walk out the door, not looking back

do you care, will you try to stop me

tell me its ok, tell me you will help

i dont hold me back, i turn and look

you stand there staring at the me

but not moving, not seeing

its over now and you know it

goodbye mommy

live your life as you wish

and i will learn to live mine

My Ocean

years ago i silenty cried the beginning of an ocean

that will forever remain trapped

inside my body, waiting

ten times saltier than the red sea

ten times deeper than the highest mountain

i watched the ocean grow rapidly at first

then slowing down as the years went by

and the tears stopped running so freely 

how many times i watched myself drown

how many times i watched my dreams float away

never to be seen again

i did nothing to stop them

nothing to save myself

why should i, its no big deal right

millions of things i start only to have them slip from my grasp

thousands of storys i tell but no one will hear them

words float upon the water, can i catch them

will i learn, to look at the world

will i learn to stop hiding all the secrets

one day i will learn

but today is not that day

 

Momma, Im on Stage

Momma, I will make you proud of me

Momma Im gonna dance on stage

Momma I will be in the spotlight

Its my turn now, I can follow directions

Gracefully I walk out on stage, ready to start

Momma i cant see you the lights hurt my eyes

Momma did you remember, i wrote it down for you

You promised to come, you promised

Momma im on stage now, do you like my costume

its light blue your favorite color, i picked it especially for you

My feet are pointed, my back is straight

I smile as my body flys with the music

Oh no my legs are shaking, why am i scared

I fall to the floor, crying out more in surprise than pain

Tears fill my eyes, i can see you momma

 my music plays on without me

Oh momma i am so sorry, i wanted you to be proud of me

My head lowers in shame, my smile is wavering

The lights arent so bright anymore momma, please dont go

My tears fall freely, as i watch you walk out the door

 not looking at me

i finish my dance, waiting for your return

The music stops, the applause fills my ears

Momma i finished my dance, I danced for you

The lights are out momma, i am waiting for you

Momma you didnt see.....

Momma you didnt see I finished my dance

Through The Eyes of Others

We all wrote this for nat, because she cant....this is some of what has happened, what is happening and what will happen.....I guess you could say all the sections are poems in themselves......

Jo

 

Hope, Emey and Sky

we sit in the closet, we are afraid of the dark

we sit in the closet, as quiet as possible

no more crying no more tears

no asking to get out, no hitting the door

we sit in the closet, just waiting now,

soon we will get out again but we dont know when

how long have we been in here

do you think they forgot again

so we sit in the closet until it is time

for the door to open again.....

 

Rainy and Sonya

today i went to hospital again, so they could fix me

what was it this time, did i walk into the door

or wwas it falling down the stairs

i dont remember what happened

im not sure, i dont want to know what happened

what did mommy and daddy tell you happened

you should listen to them, i get in trouble for not listening

it was an accident, no ones fault

i dont like the hospital, mommy and daddy are waiting

i can feel them watching me with the doctor

it was an accident, i dont remember

finally the doctor leaves, the door opens

its time to go home again.....

 

Amy and Pain

i lay under the bed now, never on top any more

i dont want to be found, i want to sleep

i listen to the voices out side my door

and wonder who they talk about, what they ask for

its the same thing everyday isnt, again and again

i pray to whoever will listen and ask them to protect me

take me away, just save me

it doesnt work i didnt think it would

my door is opened and my name is called

my bed is pushed out of the way again

and all i can think is if it would have been better

to just sleep on top of the bed

 

Kris and Onyx

i stand at the edge of a cliff

looking calmly over the side, at the water below

so fresh, so clean so bright

what sahll happen would you try to stop it

would you try to save me, would you be in time

would you be able to see me, no one else has

i step a little closer to the edge, everything is blocked out

the crying the yelling the accusations

i thought the decsion was mine and mine alone

but its not, so i step back and turn around

and walk away.....

 

Mikey and Silence

i stand at the back of the line, patiently waiting my turn

my eyes wonder nervously around the room

never staying in one place for to long

its so crowded and people push me back an forth

oh, its my turn now but i turn and look behind me

a lady is struggling with her items and i offer my help

no thanks is needed as i let her go ahead of me

im not important, i dont matter

so i can wait just a little longer before it is my turn again

but what will happen if someone else comes along

with more worth than me.....

 

Bri and Destiny

I sit at the back of the class, quiet attentive

eyes downcast but still paying attention

taking the notes, passing the test

never quite managing to be an A student

you would think i tried my hardest, coming to class

doing the work

a month has passed the semester pretty much over

and i wonder dear teacher

do you even know my name, have you ever heard my voice

am i just a number on a piece of paper

or am i a person is this world we live in.....

 

Shiva and Sheena

why did you do it why did they do it

why didnt you protect me, was i really that bad

was i really what you said, what they said

you lied to me they lied to me

you beat me up they beat me up

you knew i wouldnt fight back you knew

you picked on me and called me names

you ppicked me up and pushed me down

remember the time you watched them throw me out the window

the cops came that night

oh mommy dear just what in the h*ll did you tell them

mommy what happened, what did they ask

they couldnt see the blood on the grass could they

they didnt know i was hiding in the closet again

i knew they were there and i didnt do anything

all i could think about, all i did think about

was going to sleep and never waking up again....

 

Nic and Jo

we are part of you, we are you

we are the missing pieces of the unending puzzle

we need you to be with us,

but we understand your need for the distance

we are here for you, to protect you

only the strong survive, we will help you

one day you will be free

and you will always have us with you

always and forever....

my existence

i was born a reject

a nobody, the invisible chil

my mommy didnt want me

my daddy didnt know

mysister my twin  my other half

i caused her death, i took her life

maybe if she was here i would be wanted

 

i grew up an outcast

i didnt have any friends

i ws always different, just the odd kid

maybe i was to quiet, to afraid

my existence was just to be

dont feel   dont love

dont see  dont object

just be

 

my existence as a nobody

grew with me, just a little bit faster

friends come and go

driven away by things unexplained

my family fell aprt around me

as i took refuge inside my head

the protection i found kept me here

kept me safe

 

my existence as i know it

i the nobody, the unloved, the unwanted

yet my existence is all i have

 

War

terror filled her eyes

people ran by, pushin her out of the way

the guns are fired

she covers her ears, but it doesnt help

the smoke is so thick

she cant see anymore

hands come at her

pushing, pulling

mommy why did you let me fall

mommy where did you go

the cars come closer

mommy help me

people fall down, never rising gain

screams fill the air...pain and horror

hiding trying to move

mommy where did everyone go

why is there blood on her

why does she hurt, why does she cry

screaming for help, the guns are firing again

she falls down, people push her out of the way 

she tries to get back up, to run for help

breathing hurts, moving hurts

someone help anyone please

there's so much blood..no one sees

smoke fills the air, the guns are gone again

she stares at the sky, no longer really seeing

trying to keep breathing, trying to stay

its to late now, gone forever, her spirit, her life

just a body in the crowd, no one will remember her

just a small child, a number in the books

to many people, so many people

picked up and thrown back down

Calm

i see nothing

i feel nothing

i am nothing

i hear nothing

i am not here by choice

im not here by want

i am just here

one of the invisible

one of the un-noticed

one of the forever lost

i was made to be void

i know no other way

except to be calm and accept 

accept life as it is

accept me as i am

accept them for what they did

forgive and forget right

nothing happened do you remember

close your eyes

close your ears

close your mind

and nothing is left

but to be calm

and accept