Unnoticed

Unnoticed

my body is broken but
the tears will not come
the pain never stops

i remember and forget

just to remember again

i am lost in the struggle
pushing, hoping, waiting
screaming, crying, and praying

wanting to be saved
waiting to save myself

it is behind the wall
where the memories lie

the door is cracked
the lock is broken

my heart is empty
my mind is shattered

together it forms
someone who is not real

together it forms
the truth
and a lie

where hiding means safety
where protection means pretending

and smiling

lay my soul bare
there is nothing left to hide

the emptiness consumes me
as i slowly disappear

mental health

*A creative writing blurb* - The prompt 'My mental illness is like'
this is mine

My mental illness is like
Being trapped in a world
That only I can see
That only I can hear
Where the shadows speak
And the darkness consumes
I can run and hide
But there is no escape
The words and actions of the past
Haunt me by day and come alive by night
I listen to them cry, and scream and ask why
I deal with the harm, the excuses, the lies
I smile because there is no choice
I smile because I want to believe
That after the pain
After the hurt, and tears and blame
That my mental illness will find its peace
And leave me safely to rest and become
A willing participant in a world of my choosing
Be it one that I live in alone or
One that I live in with others
My mental illness will be laid to rest
Without fear or corruption
It will have played its part in learning
About honesty and truth
About what is real and what is false
In a world where seeing is not always believing
My mental illness will no longer by my security blanket
I will move from under it
And embrace the life that was mine all along.

JadedLabyrinth 2013

accidental whore

whores fuck for money
and you do it for free
you arent a whore
you are beneath the whores
fucking and laughing
screaming and playing
open wide and smile for the camera

you tried to run again
tied to the bed
the tears no longer run
medicine is daily until
like magic you can float and dream and breathe
without fear
but you are chained
used
broken
and thrown away

faceless men
holding you down
and hugging you tight
men that dont look at you
they dont see you
you are only a toy
to be played with
to be used
and then broken

they pulled the strings
watching and waiting
telling you the rules
and the consequences
for luck they say
to break you they say
 safety is lost
in the shuffle of rooms

each bed comes with chains
locked doors
and dim lights
empty words and lost promises
you have to graduate up
you have to become a whore
and then they will love you
kiss you
hug you

how long will it take
waiting and wondering
wishing and praying
for a release from this prison
they whisper it quietly
that she is a pro
that she will obey
that she has finally become a whore

keep smiling

my head is bowed
my eyes glazed over
i wait and wait
for this to be over
i touch you and smile
while i  cry inside
i do what you ask
while screaming in pain
but still i smile
and tell you exactly what you wish to hear
i like it
i want it
please
please
please
you paid for the words
you paid for the glazed look
the broken body
the smile that lives only
on her lips
pushing on her
and pulling on her
yelling and moaning
while she stares and breathes
remember its a game
no one gets hurt
keep smiling
like a princess
and keep hiding
the deadness inside

Life or Death

Life or Death

my eyes lose focus
as i think back and wonder why
my body drifts away
as i wait for the plunge that will end it all
i wait
silent
i shed no tears because there are none left
i listen and wait
as the knife is pointed at me
words are whispered
but i dont hear them
I wonder if i am ready to die
I wonder about the life i never had
i grieve for the love i never got
and still i wait
for her to make the decision
i wonder if it will hurt
or if i will finally be at peace

Life or Death

Life or Death

my eyes lose focus
as i think back and wonder why
my body drifts away
as i wait for the plunge that will end it all
i wait
silent
i shed no tears because there are none left
i listen and wait
as the knife is pointed at me
words are whispered
but i dont hear them
I wonder if i am ready to die
I wonder about the life i never had
i grieve for the love i never got
and still i wait
for her to make the decision
i wonder if it will hurt
or if i will finally be at peace

my thoughts are jumbled
my thoughts are sad
i wait for answers
i want for direction
and nothing is there
i am left alone
waiting and watching
still waiting for help
still waiting for attention
wanting love and acceptance
and still
all that is available
is shame and anger
the words that hurt me
the words keep me trapped
i am nothing
i am everything
the broken parts
no longer fit together
the pieces are no longer together
the hurts run to deep
the pain can not be forgotten
did i forget ?
can i remember?
i wait for the answers
i wait for direction
but there is no one there
there is nothing left for me