Clouded Glass Box

Held in a glass box

Surrounded by fragile looking walls

Although they appear to be clouded

Everyone can see what is hidden inside

Can you break through

Will you ever be free

Are they even really there

are you sure of what you see

Why are you trapped

Whats holding you in

locked in the box

held forever by invisble chains

who will set you free

What if ?

what if you fear life more than you fear death
what if your afraid of your own parents
the people who are supposed to protect you and love you
what if you have forgotten how to cry
to protect yourself from being hurt
what if you cant ask for help
for fear of being seen as weak
what if you built a wall around your emotions
thats so strong it will never really come falling down
what if your so quiet people forget your there
what if you fear letting anyone get to close
for fear that one day they will learn the truth
what if you fear being talked about
so you avoid being in crowds of people
what if you dont like being watched
so you look no one in the eye
what if you fear being loved for fear of being left
what if you cut to ease the pain
because it is easier than everything else
what if the benefits dont out weigh the problem
what if above anything else you fear being alone
but you will die 1000 deaths before you ever ask anyone
.....to stay with you.....

Sorry Isnt Enough

you said were sorry

you didnt mean to mess things up

but i looked right through you

like you werent even there

your guilt wasnt enough

to ease your pain

you managed to hurt me more

than you ever thought possible

you cant change what you said

or go back in time

i said i forgive you

and that it doesnt really matter

but things are changed

will i ever trust you

or say i care

will i ever say i love you

or be able to have you say

you love me

forever gone the things i believed

is anything possible

you ruined everything

took it away

turned your back on me

you said your sorry

and asked my forgiveness

but sorry isnt enough

What do you see ?

look closely

are you really sure of what you see

the smile thats always there

or the trembling thats so close behind

the laugh that comes and brightens your day

or the sadness that is hidden carefully away

the eyes that shine and sparkle with fun

or the tears that never fully run

the conversations that last for hours

or the fact that nothing important was covered

look once and see whats on the surface

look twice and you will see what

lies just under the surface

away from prying eyes

I Forgot

i forgot how to cry
to protect myself
from showing any pain
everything soon became personal
i forgot how to talk about myself
i cant look you in the eye
for shame you will find out to much about me
i wont let you touch me
afraid you will find out
something you dont understand
hidden chains that you will never see
hold me in place so i cant escape
nailed down and locked away
is what will if i ever get to close to you
dont ask questions
that cant be answered
dont jump to conclusions
on what you feel to be true

Today Only

today only i will be happy to be alive

today only i will forget about my pain and hurt

and help someone in more

today i will not draw blood

to erase the hurt

today will go out and not get sick

today i will forget about my problems

and have fun instead

today i will find out who my real friends are

and who will leave me

today i will stop trying to be someone else

and just be me while i still can

today i will find true love

and live a fairy tale

today i will not worry about the past

and look towards the future

no one can know what tomorrow

will bring

but for today and only today

i am free

Giving Up

I live in a world I made on my own

Everyday I wake up and wonder why

I gave up so quickly so you could win the fight

The more I tried to shut you out

The more I lost myself

My will My life My respect My judgement

I became a shadow of you

I forgot I could be me

I forgot how I worked

I believed what you told me

Believed I was wrong

I couldn't argue anymore and the battle was over

A wall grew within me to protect my soul

The small part of me that i could still hold

A silent child grew up

Just as you wished

The fear of being hit

The fear for my life

So I gave up

You won

Supposedly Me

i cant tell you who i am

i dont know

i cant decide who i want to be

i cant be me because im not good enough

i cant be you because i dont fit your style

im not you but i dont know how to be me

i can watch everyone go by

try to fit in somewhere

no one notices me

no one cares

you want to know why

i never talked to you

you dont know me and i dont know you

i was scared you would learn the truth

i was trying to be you

to fit in with your friends

to be one of the gang

i want to be loved for who i am

but that wont work

i dont know who i am

i cant be me

Pain

i can feel the pain in my arm

starting to form

and yet i do nothing

i deserve this

its my fault

i make this pain

i cant take it away

suffering is easy

it just reminds me that im still alive

i know my arms looks horrible

and i could care less

cuts on top of cuts

scabs broken open only to bleed again

yet i tell no one of my pain

keeping it to myself so i will be safe

no one can know

my arm grows stiff i know there is blood

and i still want more

nothing can save me

i cant save myself

Tears

i cry for you because i couldnt protect you

i cry for me because i dont know how to save myself

how can you say you understand

when you watch me to see what i do

you yell and scream but it doesnt matter

my tears you want but i have to stop them

cant let them free

i agree to your words to protect myself from pain

you still manage to make me hurt make me cry

i try my hardest but one tear is all thats needed

i turn away but you still know

i wipe my eyes to dry my fears

pretend nothings wrong the wind makes me cry

its over before it began

next time ill be stronger

i wont let you see that you can hurt me

i wont ever hurt you

Dreams

im gonna be a astronaunt

dont take my dreams from me

maybe ill be the president

just be happy for me

ill go to school

and be a good girl

but please just let me dream.

someday ill be a doctor

and help all the sick kids

maybe ill go to paris

and try all the food

dont tell me i cant do it

because i know i can.

no one knows all

my dreams but me

just be happy with what you see

i cant have your dreams

thats not me.

dont make me cry

and tell me ill fail

dont make me feel bad

for being who i am

i cant be you

i can only be me.

when i tell you my dreams

be happy i still can

be happy for me

and tell me i can.

Finding Home

Finding Home

Once a long time ago

a small girl went to hide

safely away in the corners of her mind

away from all the pain

away from all the hurt

Only one day she forgot her way home

suddenly afraid of the dark corners of her mind

she ran losing herself quickly throughout the maze

what dangers lay hidden quietly waiting

untouched, unhindered

Voices surrounded her, was everyone here

had someone found her, she shouldn't have hid

closing her eyes, she slowly turned around

a small smiling face, standing slightly behind her

slowly without talking she held out her hands

and together they turned towards an open door

Stepping into the room

there were so many other people

all different ages and even guys too

wondering where they had come from

not realizing they were all a part of her

they were all very friendly and all very different

Faintly a voice could be heard

getting louder and closer, calling her

afraid, but looking back out the door

she turned to go, not wanting her new friends to know

as she left, the voices filled her head again

reassuring they would be here when needed

always and forever

calmly she left her new friends

heading towards her home, her real home

all the while knowing that safely hidden

in the farthest corners of her mind

her real family patiently waited

for her return

Broken Mirror

only one mirror stood proudly alone

until the day it fell into a million tiny pieces

no one came by and pushed it to the ground

no one stepped on it or throw things at it

it was pretty simple actually

just a tiny little nudge caused such a small crack

right in the middle of the beautiful mirror

one small little crack, no one really noticed it

no one bothered to fix it, or even care

everyday the crack grew just little more

still no one helped it, no one stopped it

the first crack, expanded to two, then four, then more

to late now, the mirror is worthless

no one will want it, no one will fix it

all the repairs a waste of time, who will bother

only one thing left to do, quite easily too

they throw the mirror away, into the trash like worthless junk

it lost its beauty, its love,  its glow

the little something that set it apart is gone now

maybe turn this way, can it be saved

or have you given up hope so swiftly, will you try

its gone now, that beautiful mirror

reduced to an even smaller pile

of crushed glass.........  

Dark Places

how did i get here, how to get out

whats the pattern, how to learn the tricks

will i make it out in time, can i save myself

the memories flow past, wait i dont remember that

why am i watching this, why can i see it

thats a happy memory, but all the bad ones too

i want to get out, but its holding me trapped

i dont want to see, what do you want from me

i didnt mean to do all that, i was a bad girl

let me out, i dont want to stay anymore

stop fighting everything, you will learn

forgive and forget right and wrong

tell me its not real, tell me it didnt happen

tell me i can just go away and forget everything

tell me i am not trapped here, show me how to get out

how long have i been here, it hurts now, i cant see

images flow through my head, the tears, the shame

what do you want me to say, its my fault, its my guilt

 i know what you want but i cant do that

you fill my head but its to late now, i found my way out

i won this round, but its not over is it, you will come after me again

dont make me go away, dont show everything

i want to forget, i want to be normal

but it isnt that easy is it, i will never get away

the dark place calls me, you make sure of that

the never ending circle, the torment the pain

you do it to teach a lesson, that you will make me learn

in the end you will win, and you know it too

and the fights and finding ways out, its just a game

one that will go on forever and ever until someone dies.....

Two Sides

tell your story

no one will listen

 

sing your song

who will hear

 

draw your picture

everyone will laugh

 

be a little different

who will notice

 

stand up for yourself

someone will push me back down

 

help someone else

no one will care

 

demand your rights

i dont have any

 

learn to live

i dont know how

Excuses

 

I TRY TO FIND EXCUSES TO AVOID THE PAIN
THE HURT OF ALL THE YEARS PAST
OF ALL THE YEARS TO COME
I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT
I CANT UNDERSTAND WHY IM HERE
EVERYONE HAS A PURPOSE
BUT SOMETIMES THAT PURPOSE GETS BURIED
ALONG WITH ALL THE THINGS I LOVED

 

EVERYDAY I HIDE WHAT GOES ON IN MY HEAD
SOMETIMES I CAN TALK BUT MOSTLY I HIDE FROM IT
ITS EASIER TO PRETEND IT DOESN’T MATTER
THAT I CAN BE A NORMAL GIRL
BUT I CAN SEE THE SCARS THAT COVER MY LEGS AND ARMS
THAT I PUT THERE IN MY ANGER

I STILL WONDER WHY I STARTED CUTTING MYSELF
MAYBE TO RELEASE MY PAIN
THE THINGS I KEEP HIDDEN FROM ALMOST EVERYONE
I STILL HAVENT LEARNED TO EXPRESS ALL OF MY FEELINGS
BUT IM BETTER THAN I WAS BEFORE
I CAN TALK WITHOUT THE GUILT MOST OF THE TIME
I CAN SAY WHAT IM THINKING WITH FEAR OF BEING HIT
I CAN SPEAK MY MIND WITHOUT HAVING TO DEFEND MYSELF

 

SOMEDAYS DAYS I WONDER HOW I MANAGE TO LIVE MY LIFE……

One Razor

only one razor will take away the hurt

only the sharpness of a new razor will set me free

endless thoughts run through my mind

 

i watch the blood flow freely from one of many cuts

but i havent cut have i, i didnt use the razor 

that can be my blood, im still good

 

i can see the razor, i know where it is at

only one razor to cause enough damage

to stop everything in my head, all the voices

 

i can hear the screams, the cries, the arguments

 which ones are true, which ones have been forgotten

i dont want them anymore, they cause to much hurt

 

the temptation is strong, what do i want to do

i watch behind my closed eyes, as the scene plays out

will i really do all that i see, is it possible for me

untitled

one ruined body

one destroyed soul

sixteen different people

lost children run cover

scared teens hide behind anger

lonely adults protect and save

one missing person

the key to us all

forever linked together

one hidden person

staring at the world

from behind the covers

lonely forever

lost for now

finding the way home 

These Scars

Open my hands

Look at my arms

Hear my story

See my pain

 

Dont cry for me

I already have

Dont ask me why

You wouldnt understand

 

Believe what i say

I am telling the truth

Look at me

See who i am

 

Are you surprised with what i hide

Can you understand the reasons

 the silence

 the tears

 

The scars tell a story

Sad but true

The scars are part of my life

never to go away

 

The pain is handled

 bandages worn

 scars yelling to be seen

The hurting never stops

 

These scars are life

 chosen by accident 

but here all the same

but the only ones

that will never go away

The Children Cry in the Night

the children cry in the night

looking, searching for something lost

their silent screams heard only by me 

wanting protection, for invisible hurts

wanting safety from the pain

 

 

wanting to be loved without pain

wondering where everything went wrong

why are they here

wondering why i cant save them

wondering why they cant save me

 

 

i hear their screams

i watch them cry

i sense there pain

i want so much to help and know i cant

 

 

searching for what has been lost

never to be found again

i see them stare blankly ahead

looking at nothing but still seeing everything

 

seeing nothing new

leaving in the past, watching their dreams

tears slowly stop coming so fast

never to be seen again

locked away in their own world

held forever, trapped in there mind

 

the children cry in the night

my children cry in the night

my family, the parts of me

that come and go as they please

only to forever

cry in the night 

Who Am I ?

Who Am I?

i hear you whisper
i hear you cry
i hear you ask me why
i see your world
but you live my life
who are you?

Sometimes your silent
but sometimes your angry
or scared
the moods jump quickly from one to the other
the thoughts go in circles
a constant back and forth
between belief and disbelief
sometimes you are hurting and sad or afraid
but then you smile and laugh
and I dont understand

I feel you inside me, i sense your presence
i try to understand, why you are here
i try to understand the fights, the disagreements
but it always comes back to the same question

who are you?
but if you are me
a real part of me
than who am i ?

Calm

i see nothing

i feel nothing

i am nothing

i hear nothing

i am not here by choice

im not here by want

i am just here

one of the invisible

one of the un-noticed

one of the forever lost

i was made to be void

i know no other way

except to be calm and accept 

accept life as it is

accept me as i am

accept them for what they did

forgive and forget right

nothing happened do you remember

close your eyes

close your ears

close your mind

and nothing is left

but to be calm

and accept

Lies

i say i dont care

but i do

 

i say you cant hurt me

but you do

 

you say you love me

but i ask you how

 

you say you hate me

and i wonder why

 

why do you lie to me

why do you lie for you

 

you ask me questions

then ask someone else

 

you watch me go by

and measure me up

 

you pick me apart

with words and sometimes hands

 

you lied about everything to make me believe

your lies about everything made me hate

Falling Flower Petals

everyday the flower stood a little wilted

everyday it tried to bloom

everyday it tried its haredest, harder than the last day

working and working but still no change

but against all the work

 

the petals continued to fall

dropping helplessly to the ground

giving up the fight

giving up the will

more and more petals fell

 

covering the ground and all around

the flower was never proud

popular or even beautifil

just a plain flower

un-noticable, nothing important

 

right in the middle of a field

filled with beautiful yellow roses

right in the middle stood one dull yellow rose

maybe it didnt get enough sun or water

maybe it gave up to soon

 

slowly losing its beautiful petals

slowly being pushed away

slowly realizing that it wouldnt survive

battling the elements again and again

so the petals fell with no hope of being there

 

just waiting until the day

the last petal fell....

Twisted Thinking

fat ugly stupid worthless

the words run through my head

just words really but they hurt

just as much as anything else

untrue, true, disbelieve, believe

who is right, voices or more voices

like a broken record, stuck on one song

 

fat ugly stupid worthless

who tells me so...who yells and screams

mommy can you hear me now

mommy how i wish you were dead

over and over how much you hate

how much you dislike, what did i ever do?

something is wrong with me, but how can i fix it

do you want me dead or locked away

do you wonder why i hide and cry

something is wrong with me, am i a freak

but i can be what you want me to

 can i be what you wish

 

you point out the flaws, how i dont have pride

how you cant know i hate me more than i hate you

but i can be like you i can, i can

ill starve to lose weight and smile when you say i lie

ill throw up if i eat to much, because you say food is bad

ill cut and bleed to take away all the hurtful things

ill scar and bruise but you wont know how

carefully hidden away under my clothes

ill look right through you as you do me

pretend im not there, pretend im not me

am i good enough now, can i like me yet

 

fat ugly stupid worthless

over and over, again and again

this is my thinking,this is my head

but you dont have to worry, ive already won

i hate me enough to wish i was dead

are you happy now, can you stop now

i really am all that you say

isnt that enough...

untitled

silently moving through the underbrush

i wonder how i got here and how ill get out

i hear them following me again

How are they real if they arent even there

You said no more hurts no more no more

It hurts to much,  so make it go away

Why am i trapped again and again

Why do they catch me before i can win

Its my stupid memory and i still cant get in

How can i feel so many things

How can i see when the dark sets in

Hiding again but its to no avail

I will be found and then ill be  dead

you grab me and hold me tight

as i kick and fight and cry with no fear

ignoring my cry, you continue on your way

i push and bite, pulling and screaming

suddenly you stop like a light has come on

do you really want to go on

do you really want the crime

Stealing the innocence of a young girl at 9

listen closely as you finish your game

the soft crying reaches your ears

look at what you have done

look into my eyes, see my tear stained face

view my broken body with a lost soul

Slightly  surprised at the turn of events

things have gone to far much to fast

running from the room pictures and sounds filled with dread

no stop please ill be really good i promise promise

never again you swear to yourself

but you quietly come back again and again

locking the door when you come in

Broken Wings

i was born with my wings firmly attached

right below my shoulders and across my back

they were so tiny they couldnt be seen

 

when i was a baby my wings sparkled and shone

brightly in the night when no one could see

but everyone remarked of the glow about me

 

quietly i smiled pleased with the effect

only a soft thank you was heard

 

as i grew older my wings lost there glow

they started the bend and crack in the bow

only i saw my wings when they no longer worked

 

holding all the hurt and tears you know

my wings grew with me excatly the same

and always a little bit sadder, a little but blue

 

so a broken child lived through

the years go by my wings now

 not only broken but crushed

 

my tears fall to the ground silently unseen

my wings no longer special 

so i wish them away

 

only now i no longer live with the hurt

 blame is gone and the weight takin away

my wings are a bit straighter now

 

getting stronger with each passing day

my glow is slowly starting to return

as i watch the bad things fall away

 

slowly im sure but i never lost hope

one day ill soar high into the sky

with wings no longer broken and bruised

 

forever a bit tarnished around the edges

but strong once again so you see..

Broken wings can trimpuh

Never Give Up

Days may be a challenge

when all that runs through your mind

is what is wrong with you

should you beleive

 

Causing tears that never come

and anger that never runs

emotions in tidal waves

come crashing down in pieces  

 

Sadness fills you

and depression close by

why am i here

is it worth it

 

Never give up

never give in

someone needs you

someone needs a friend

 

Think of all youve done

all you havent done

places you want to go

people you want to meet

 

never give up

never give in

the world is a mystery

life cant be history

 

so many choices

you have yet to make

so many chances

you have yet to take

 

things can always seem a little bleak

nothing is impossible

never give up

never give in

Inner Turmoil

I smile and talk

I cook and clean

and yet i wonder

do you know about me

 

My inner turmoil

so hidden and dark

can you see the pain

i live with

 

Can you sooth the voices i hear

that know more of my life than i

can you offer a helping hand

to what can not yet be explained

 

Can you openly accept me for who i am

not who i can be, who i can become

you look right at me and still cant see

my inner turmoil, thats so a part of me

My Punishment

My Punishment

Why do I need to explain?

what cant be said

what wont be accepted

why should I make it so that

you will feel comfortable

while I will still be hiding and lying

why do you say you want to understand me better

when you look me in the eye

and still tell me bold faced lies

 you want to know why I say I deserve to be punished ?

why I can hurt myself as you like to put it ?

and on purpose at that

you give me funny looks and pretend caring

until I don’t know what to do or say

I will give some people just a little bit of credit though

those who try to understand without all the labels

those who care enough to say I will be ok

without sending me to the doctor

to be poked and prodded

when the answer is right there and you still don’t see

just how easy it is for me to punish me

you told me I was bad and stupid

you told me you didnt need me

one day I had to stop letting you hurt me

now its my job...

the only thing I can promise is

no one can hurt me more than me

Forever Etched

Forever etched

permantly in my skin

with  the razor

on the surface where

 people can see

 

the words i hear

the words i think

can now be seen

 

with a blade

while i try to hide 

from the pain

i carefully write

steady and thoughtful

carve and slice

until i can see

what my thoughts have to say

Being Me

being me is can get complicated
i wake up and i no longer know
who i am
everyday i live
its just another battle
to stay alive
to get up
to keep moving through the fog

no one really can know that the life i live
gets darker day by day
i cant look in the mirror
because i dont know the face that
looks back at me
i stay alive because anything less
would leave me lost
because im expected to
because there is nothing else
i was the perfect child
i am the broken child

behind this mask that i live in
the real me waits
until the day
that being me
doesnt leave me questioning
i wait for the day when i will wake up
and not wish, hope, or pray for death
i wait

Trapped

sitting

silently

dont think

pretend not to hear

the walls closing in

no where to run

pushing thoughts away

thoughts pushing in

no one to hear

afraid

alone

wanting to cry

no one to see

questions are thrown

strangled with answers

afraid

fear

no one to see

in the corner

crounching

hiding

flashing lights

thousands of thoughts

right

wrong

blinding pain

alone

sleep

dull voices

whispers all around

waiting

watching

trapped

Broken Fantasy Mirror

Broken Fantasy Mirror

Theres a mirror that hangs in my room

In a place where only I can see the things that I believe

The place where I left my hopes, my dreams, my future

My plans to escape to a better place where theres no need for tears

I looked in the mirror and saw who I wanted to be

The little girl from so long ago

With a family filled with love and happiness

I looked in the mirror and saw all who left me

The mother and father I never knew

The sister who was taken too soon

I looked in the mirror and saw the place I wanted to be

A place full of sunny days and laughter

where I am safe from harm and no longer hurting

I looked in the mirror and saw a better world

Where no one is picked no, hit or yelled at

A time when everyone was given a fair chance

I forgot about the mirror when I had to stop dreaming

When I was pushed to realize there was nothing there

The illusion is gone and the childish happiness faded away

Now when I look in the mirror

I only see me

and I wish more than anything

to be someone free