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Sunday, January 20, 2013

lies


i say i dont care

but i do
i say you cant hurt me
but you do
you say you love me
but i ask you how
you say you hate me
and i wonder why
why do you lie to me
why do you lie for you
you ask me questions
then ask someone else
you watch me go by
and measure me up
you pick me apart
with words and sometimes hands
you lied about everything to make me believe
your lies about everything made me hate 
everything, including you

A Twisted Tale


Years and more years ago

A child was born a little girl actually
She had 10 fingers and 10 toes
Perfectly perfect in every way possible
Only one thing was really missing
Her parents really did not want her at all  
They had wanted a little boy more
Maybe that was why they wanted to give her away
But they took her home and left her alone
Her Moms friend tried to help, though she had a life of her own 
But sometimes she forgot and left her in the dark
Even though the baby grew with a little care here and there
No one really knew
How life at home always made her hide and cry
~
Much to young to be in school her parents took her everyday
Changing the date on her forms so she would have to stay
Always so small and lost in the classes
Grades werent good and the other kids learned to laugh
Calling out names and pointing at her
Hiding in the bathroom until it was time to go
Years go by and nothing is learned
School the only escape away from home   
Somehow she makes it through
all the grades shes needed to
Time for a much bigger school now
Walk through the doors with a smile everyday 
Forgetting that soon it will be time to go home
For some reason your parents decide
 that school is no good for you 
Its filling your head with nothing but dread
You have to stay home and be helpful for bread
Quietly missed days turns into weeks and weeks into months
Excuses for school your sick and not well
until finally your not living there anymore
~
Its funny how at 9 your cooking dinner and keeping time
You pay the bills so everything runs fine
Cleaning the house at exactly half past nine....
Mom is gone again....when will she be back
Dad for the week is some guy named John Doe
Taking care of your brothers and sisters is work
Their needs come first, always and almost
The youngest call you mama but no one tries to correct it
Thats just who you are for all the five
Its just by chance that your the oldest....
So many mouths to feed without any food
You split everything five ways only...you say your not hungry
Your stomach growling in your ear....watching as the food disappears
~
A few more years are gone....
Mommy is home now but shes not really there
Sometimes she leaves and cant find her way back
No one knows that in the third apartment up on the third story
A family of children live quietly playing on the floor  
Its been three years now since you
really took over the mommy role
Making sure your brothers and sisters go to school
so no one is harmed
Walking both ways with no coat or sleeves
Your just going back home, who knows who is sleep
Your moms boyfriend just happens to be home
Watching tv and laying around 
Hoping not to wake him, you hide in the room
Its to late hes knows your home and where you hide
Looking out the window and seeing how high
You think about jumping or if you can fly
~
The door is opening quite slowly you see
Hes afraid ill hit him and bring him to his knees
Hes wrong today, im not hiding away
No more hiding since the first day
You do as he asks quite willingly and fast
hoping it will be over, much sooner than last
Closing your eyes your a million miles away
safely playing the game of the day
How many times has this happened before
hoping and praying that someone will come 
Finally hes gone and you can move again
Always a little sore and bruised from where hes been  
Its to late to clean you have to pick your siblings up
~
Your luck has ran out your carrying his child
Hiding it for as long as possible until its starting to show
No one to help no one to call
You wait in dread for when your parents to walk through the door
Mom is home first you instruct your siblings to go in the room
And lock the door and turn everything up as loud as it will go
She finds out the news and immediately screams
"your not my daughter so get out of this house"
No where to go you argue for a while until finally
you break down and cry
Telling the story of how long its been going on
And how many of her boyfriends
Decided she was good enough to please
She didnt believe and called  you names
over and over until nothing was left
Its to late to run, hes at home now
He lies and screams "its not his"
No one listens to the girl anymore, as she argues in her head
Mommy leaves the house and he looks at her mean
Telling her that it was mean...how dare you tell your mom what i did
Not knowing what to expect she backs up to the wall
But he follows and yells that the baby wont be born
Grabbing at her arms she yells for help
Pushing and kicking at what ever is there
Hes much bigger than her and stronger too
Its not a long fight and but goes on for a while
Until it hurts to scream and it hurts to cry
Its hard to breath and harder to see
yelling for your brother to call the police
~
He tries to help but its to late now
Holding your head and watching you cry...
the police come and question what happened
He knows the answers that need to be said
It was an accident it wont happen again
They fix you up to go to the hospital
Don't worry they say it wont happen again
And there right for the most part it wont happen again
You try to hold on to protect your family
But so many hurts that the doctors cant fix
Looking at your brother holding your hand
Looking in his eyes you know all the love he has for you
Knowing he will protect all the younger one now as you did
 Taking your last breath comforted a little to know he will be safe
Closing your eyes you finally float away
Its all over the newspapers the next day
The story of how a young 14 year old girl died that day
With the loss of her life her brothers and sisters were taken away
Slowly able to understand that there oldest sister had painstaking
Saved them all on that cold January day....

Family


home is not just a place you live
its the place you grow up in
good or bad its still there
 
home doesnt contain just family
because maybe your family isnt home
and you had to find a different family
 
Family is the people who love you
people who like you for being you
family doesnt have to have a mom or a dad
 
Family are the people who have the time to listen
and the heart to care
and the willingness to learn and help
 
With a family age doesnt matter
race or sex either
who cares if your just a bit different
 
A family makes you feel special
loved and cared for
it shouldnt mean a thing if you have to find
 
a family that will meet your needs

Beyond the Labels


They said i was a cutter and dealing with depression

Sometimes bi-polar and OCD
Anorexia and bulimia had become a part of me
Multiple personality's how mixed up could i be
They forgot i had a name
They talk in ways that I don't understand 
My mind although broken, had suddenly become
more interesting than me
Beyond all the labels i was me
I still am me but sometimes that is wrong 
I never really knew who i was
I thought i was trying
 but ive forgotten how
I used to have a real name and people who knew me
They want to stick me in the hospital again
They want to test and poke and question
They will write a paper about my life
Don't they know i wont go
Haven't they figured out i wont stay
I don't need all the labels thrown on the table
I don't need someone else holding control over me
They don't want to know about the pain
About the hiding and crying
Pretend to help and watching through a wall
Lock all the doors and leave me alone
Beyond all the labels i was in control
I had a voice and a choice
Beyond all the labels i thought i was me
But now even that has been taken from me

Missing

missing in action is the phrase that goes around
fear fills us all as the phrase is whispered again
instantly the search shall begin
the biggest must go and the littles must stay
the oldest left shall be in charge while the bigs are away
only one problem becomes the biggest
who ends up running the body when the bigs are out looking
it was quite be accident that all went away
never quite imaging that the bigs got lost some way
the hours fly by and not a word is heard
silently the search continues deep into the head
but things unseen start to arise and dark sides are takin
good verses bad again and again
the fighting and yelling the accusing and crying
the blame is thrown but no one is catching
the sky goes darker than black
with slashes of red and blue rolling through
only one person was missing and now the fighting begins
the fights not fair with strong against weak
the fights not fair with dark against light
pushing and pulling flooding and more
the night never ends but to even the score
voices are heard in the distance way off
the sounds of our littles fearful and brave
calling out in the darkness above all the yells
the innocents are crying and falling in the dark
surprised more than hurt calling out for help
the littles tears wash the ground
the bigs go to hide what has gone on
picking and choosing through all the new memory's
huddling in dark corners and spaces
littles stay hidden until the missing one is found
the safest of all send out reassuring thoughts
gathering up stray littles and holding them tight
everything is over the big has been found
the dark has once again turned back to light

Selection

Standing front and center
a line a children go
behind them a door opens
just to let you know
 
mothers and fathers come walking in
carefully looking over the children
not a word is said as the endless line
of families come in
 
todays the day
today we get parents
a real family to love us both
just me and you
 
slowly all around children are takin
and turned around
the line is getting smaller
but parents still walk in
 
dont give up yet
the day is not over
turning and looking
the room is still crowded
 
laughter and tears
come from all angles
hugging and kissing
and joy of belonging
 
still standing in line
just you and sister
as the room emptys out
and everyone goes
 
looking around no one is here
but a knock on the door
fills you with fear
maybe the day is not over yet
 
a lady comes in smiling at you both
and then turns away
and reaches for her coat
leaving very quietly she closes the door
 
the room feels huge and empty and silent
holding on tightly to your sisters tiny hand
trying not to cry as she asks a simple question
"When do we get a mommy and daddy too"

Losing Her Smile


the sky is blue
thats my favorite color
she smiled happily
 
the day is nice
such a good day to have
she smiled more
 
everyday she found something to smile for
a flower has bloomed
or the sun is just out
 
but things arent right
you can look at her and see
shes lost her smile just a bit by three 
 
the days are no longer as bright
theres nothing in site 
not even the light
 
nothing is in bloom
darkness set in
guardians are out
 
the sky is hidden
as fighting takes place
tears are all that can be seen
 
there's nothing left to smile for
and without her smile
her purpose is gone
 
just sitting and watching
maybe listening a little too
staring at nothing
 
no longer nothing to smile for
there is nothing left
empty and tainted in the dust
 
we wait for the day when her smile will return
bringing all who cross her way just a bit of good cheer
we wait for the day will the sky will brighten