Unnoticed

Unnoticed

my body is broken but
the tears will not come
the pain never stops

i remember and forget

just to remember again

i am lost in the struggle
pushing, hoping, waiting
screaming, crying, and praying

wanting to be saved
waiting to save myself

it is behind the wall
where the memories lie

the door is cracked
the lock is broken

my heart is empty
my mind is shattered

together it forms
someone who is not real

together it forms
the truth
and a lie

where hiding means safety
where protection means pretending

and smiling

lay my soul bare
there is nothing left to hide

the emptiness consumes me
as i slowly disappear

mental health

*A creative writing blurb* - The prompt 'My mental illness is like'
this is mine

My mental illness is like
Being trapped in a world
That only I can see
That only I can hear
Where the shadows speak
And the darkness consumes
I can run and hide
But there is no escape
The words and actions of the past
Haunt me by day and come alive by night
I listen to them cry, and scream and ask why
I deal with the harm, the excuses, the lies
I smile because there is no choice
I smile because I want to believe
That after the pain
After the hurt, and tears and blame
That my mental illness will find its peace
And leave me safely to rest and become
A willing participant in a world of my choosing
Be it one that I live in alone or
One that I live in with others
My mental illness will be laid to rest
Without fear or corruption
It will have played its part in learning
About honesty and truth
About what is real and what is false
In a world where seeing is not always believing
My mental illness will no longer by my security blanket
I will move from under it
And embrace the life that was mine all along.

JadedLabyrinth 2013

accidental whore

whores fuck for money
and you do it for free
you arent a whore
you are beneath the whores
fucking and laughing
screaming and playing
open wide and smile for the camera

you tried to run again
tied to the bed
the tears no longer run
medicine is daily until
like magic you can float and dream and breathe
without fear
but you are chained
used
broken
and thrown away

faceless men
holding you down
and hugging you tight
men that dont look at you
they dont see you
you are only a toy
to be played with
to be used
and then broken

they pulled the strings
watching and waiting
telling you the rules
and the consequences
for luck they say
to break you they say
 safety is lost
in the shuffle of rooms

each bed comes with chains
locked doors
and dim lights
empty words and lost promises
you have to graduate up
you have to become a whore
and then they will love you
kiss you
hug you

how long will it take
waiting and wondering
wishing and praying
for a release from this prison
they whisper it quietly
that she is a pro
that she will obey
that she has finally become a whore

keep smiling

my head is bowed
my eyes glazed over
i wait and wait
for this to be over
i touch you and smile
while i  cry inside
i do what you ask
while screaming in pain
but still i smile
and tell you exactly what you wish to hear
i like it
i want it
please
please
please
you paid for the words
you paid for the glazed look
the broken body
the smile that lives only
on her lips
pushing on her
and pulling on her
yelling and moaning
while she stares and breathes
remember its a game
no one gets hurt
keep smiling
like a princess
and keep hiding
the deadness inside

Life or Death

Life or Death

my eyes lose focus
as i think back and wonder why
my body drifts away
as i wait for the plunge that will end it all
i wait
silent
i shed no tears because there are none left
i listen and wait
as the knife is pointed at me
words are whispered
but i dont hear them
I wonder if i am ready to die
I wonder about the life i never had
i grieve for the love i never got
and still i wait
for her to make the decision
i wonder if it will hurt
or if i will finally be at peace

Life or Death

Life or Death

my eyes lose focus
as i think back and wonder why
my body drifts away
as i wait for the plunge that will end it all
i wait
silent
i shed no tears because there are none left
i listen and wait
as the knife is pointed at me
words are whispered
but i dont hear them
I wonder if i am ready to die
I wonder about the life i never had
i grieve for the love i never got
and still i wait
for her to make the decision
i wonder if it will hurt
or if i will finally be at peace

my thoughts are jumbled
my thoughts are sad
i wait for answers
i want for direction
and nothing is there
i am left alone
waiting and watching
still waiting for help
still waiting for attention
wanting love and acceptance
and still
all that is available
is shame and anger
the words that hurt me
the words keep me trapped
i am nothing
i am everything
the broken parts
no longer fit together
the pieces are no longer together
the hurts run to deep
the pain can not be forgotten
did i forget ?
can i remember?
i wait for the answers
i wait for direction
but there is no one there
there is nothing left for me

untitled

my body is broken
the tears will not come

the pain never stops
i remember and forget and remember again

i am lost in the struggle
pushing and hoping and waiting
screaming, crying, praying

waiting to be saved
waiting to save myself

behind the wall
where the memories lie

the door is cracked
the lock is broken

my heart is empty
my mind is shattered

together it forms
someone who is not real

together it forms
the truth
and a lie
where hiding means safety
where protection means hurting

lay my soul bare
there is nothing left to hide

the emptiness consumes me
i slowly disappear

lost

the broken becomes lost
the lost become confused
the confused begin to forget
and then there is nothing left
a shell
a body
broken beyond repair
listless and hopeless
waiting for something
anything
no one is home
no one can hear
everything has stopped
and no one is near
its game that is played
every day
every week
every year
how long does it take to be remembered
how long before you are no longer there

cyr

Unspoken Words

i went to you for help an understanding
you lisetened politely and wished me well
i was the center of attention for a little while
no one else was there
just you and me and all the empty chairs
you let me speak my heart and watched me quietly
giving me the space to say what i needed
you didnt interupt and say you didnt care
but now someone else is here
you know them a little better than me
i became the watcher and listener
the conversation left me and started new
you forgot you were talking to me
i faded into the background
not able to understand why you didnt hear me
maybe i didnt talk loud enough
maybe i didnt demand your attention
maybe i didnt cry and yell and scream
maybe i wanted you to include me just a little
maybe i wanted you to remember i was there
maybe i wanted a hug and a kiss
maybe i wanted you to say you needed me
maybe i needed to here you say i love you
but im still there just waiting patiently to be seen
now there are many more people here
can you even see me anymore
would you notice if i was to leave
would you remember you once cared
i start to walk away silently
the tears roll down my face
i wanted to say thank you 
for talking to me and letting me know you cared
but i didnt i dont want to interrupt
a little sad and a little hurt i still say nothing
i leave the room just for the day
i cant turn my back on you
as i felt you did to me
i will return when you have more time for me
please dont forget me
i will still be here
waiting for when you will come back
and remember that you need me

Powerful Words

today i told someone i hated them
but i didnt mean it
please forgive me

i told someone i loved them
and they thought i lied
why didnt you believe me

i told someone i wished they were dead
that was an accident
please give me another chance

i asked for forgiveness
and you didnt hear me
i said i was sorry

today i called someone a liar
please realize i was just upset
give me a second chance

i swore at someone
i spoke before i thought
please know i didnt mean it

today i laughed at someone i didnt know
i realized how wrong that was
and will never do it again

today i saw a friend get hurt
and was powerless to help
i only saw the tears

today i was the best friend possible
i helped when you needed me to
i made you smile through your tears

i let you know i cared
and that i was there
and always would be

today i made a mistake
and realized i had had to forgive myself
before anyone else would

What I Want

mommy i want to be a writer

will you help me spell the big words

 

mommy i want to be a dancer

will you teach me to stretch

 

mommy i want to be a doctor

will you show me how to make a difference

 

mommy i want to travel

will you let me learn to drive

 

mommy are you there

or did you leave again

 

mommy can you hear me

or are you not listening

 

mommy do you want to know

what i want the most

 

mommy please listen

 

mommy this is imporatant

 

mommy i want to be your daughter

will you love me...

No One

no one saw the little girl
sitting quietly by herself
no one asked where her parents were
or asked why she was alone at night
no one noticed she had no shoes
and her clothes were dirty and ripped
no one asked if she was lost
or needed help
no one gave her a blanket
or something to eat
people went by to busy to notice
to rushed to care
over and over people walked by
talking on cell phones
pulling there kids along
more and more she was glanced at
maybe they wondered a little as to why she was there
but then they forgot
that night a storm came to the little town
rain, snow and even some hail
safe in the warmth of their homes
no one remembered the sad little girl
the next morning all over the news
the story of a missing little girl
found dead and alone
seeking people with any news
shocked this had happened
who was to blame
they just thought someone else
would come and take care of her

At Night

Late at night behind closed doors

no one will hear the yelling

no one will see the tears

no one can help you

these are your parents

they are supposed to protect you, love you

comforted to know your brother and sister are hidden away

with only one warning

"DO NOT COME OUT NO MATTER WHAT"

only five and seven they must be protected

at 10 your their mom their best friend

uh oh mommys home now

be as quiet as you can

she works alot she has headaches

she loves us no matter what

its your fault this happens

the glass starts to break

shes yelling your name

the door crashes open

pretend to be asleep dont move for anything

but it doesnt work

"where are casey and adam"

"where are they hiding"

you say you dont know to protect their lives

she grabs your hair and pulls you from the room

"liar i hate you"

"i wish you were dead"

it doesnt matter your no longer there

everything she says is true

your bad your stupid

"clean up this mess"

glass on the floor alcohol in the air

oh no daddies home now

you start to clean up, to go back to your room

mommy and daddy are drinking again

the fighting starts the threats are thrown

you can hear mommy crying

you have to protect her

runnning to help you get right in the middle

"go away go hide"

when your grabbed and thrown

falling on the floor you realize your mistake

"im sorry mommy help me"

the kicking starts first until its hard to breath

"wheres the others dont tell a lie"

"mommy help me make him stop"

pulled by the leg he picks you up

now the hitting starts until you cant see

"stop crying you baby"

suddenly your dropped everything hurts

laying on the floor, trying not to move

daddy is gone

mommys in her room the door is locked

getting up ignoring the pain you start to clean up

make sure things are neat again turn out the lights

you go try to clean yourself up so you wont frighten your brother and sister

why bother the mirror its happened before

locking the door you go to them happy to see they are sleeping

but you can see they have cried

unable to understand what happens just seeing the bruises

you try not to cry as they wrap around you

"is daddy gone again"

"are you hurt bad"

safely hidden away you keep watch protecting until the end

no one trys to come in he doesnt come back

soon the door will open a new day begins

the bruises will be covered

you just got hurt playing

broken bones will be fixed

nothing ever happened

nothing bad ever happens....

Beads Of Life

the beads of life can come in

every color

every size

but there all different

no two the same

that would throw off the chain

all of them have there on look

there own style

there own design

they can live together

and work out their problems

dont worry about yelling

or screaming

it doesnt matter

everyone counts

they have to fit together

equally or none at all

A Parents Promise

will you promise to never leave me
promise to always be there when needed
promise to love me because im there
just think about it

but promise not to say no

promise you will never go away
promise you wont leave me in the dark
promise not to give up on me

i know im asking alot
maybe even the impossible

but promise to never yell
and smile alot instead

promise to have fun and stay safe
tell me you can promise
maybe not all but some

 

promise to protect me
and keep me safe
make sure im not sick
and to get help when things get rough

 

promise not to lie about the important stuff
promise not to keep me in the dark
promise to tell me whats going on
so i wont worry to much

 

these are the promises that i need to hear
but if you know you wont keep them
then dont promise anything

My sister, My twin

the doctors crowded around you

you were so small and sick

i was fine and i went home

you stayed in the hospital

all the test and operations

they didnt save you

you needed a new liver

a small one like you

but it was to late

you went away

we were almost three

i couldnt protect you

i cant take care of you

make sure your ok

are you happy

we are seperated forever

divided by a line that cant be crossed

from either side

i wonder are you watching me

making sure i stay out of trouble

now im alone and not sue what to do

i cant remember you

but i miss you

Pain

i can feel the pain in my arm

starting to form

and yet i do nothing

i deserve this

its my fault

i make this pain

i cant take it away

suffering is easy

it just reminds me that im still alive

i know my arms looks horrible

and i could care less

cuts on top of cuts

scabs broken open only to bleed again

yet i tell no one of my pain

keeping it to myself so i will be safe

no one can know

my arm grows stiff i know there is blood

and i still want more

nothing can save me

i cant save myself

Tears

i cry for you because i couldnt protect you

i cry for me because i dont know how to save myself

how can you say you understand

when you watch me to see what i do

you yell and scream but it doesnt matter

my tears you want but i have to stop them

cant let them free

i agree to your words to protect myself from pain

you still manage to make me hurt make me cry

i try my hardest but one tear is all thats needed

i turn away but you still know

i wipe my eyes to dry my fears

pretend nothings wrong the wind makes me cry

its over before it began

next time ill be stronger

i wont let you see that you can hurt me

i wont ever hurt you

Dreams

im gonna be a astronaunt

dont take my dreams from me

maybe ill be the president

just be happy for me

ill go to school

and be a good girl

but please just let me dream.

someday ill be a doctor

and help all the sick kids

maybe ill go to Paris

and try all the food

dont tell me i cant do it

because i know i can.

no one knows all

my dreams but me

just be happy with what you see

i cant have your dreams

thats not me.

dont make me cry

and tell me ill fail

dont make me feel bad

for being who i am

i cant be you

i can only be me.

when i tell you my dreams

be happy i still can

be happy for me

and tell me i can.