Inner Turmoil

I smile and talk

I cook and clean

and yet i wonder

do you know about me

 

My inner turmoil

so hidden and dark

can you see the pain

i live with

 

Can you sooth the voices i hear

that know more of my life than i

can you offer a helping hand

to what can not yet be explained

 

Can you openly accept me for who i am

not who i can be, who i can become

you look right at me and still cant see

my inner turmoil, thats so a part of me

My Punishment

My Punishment

Why do I need to explain?

what cant be said

what wont be accepted

why should I make it so that

you will feel comfortable

while I will still be hiding and lying

why do you say you want to understand me better

when you look me in the eye

and still tell me bold faced lies

 you want to know why I say I deserve to be punished ?

why I can hurt myself as you like to put it ?

and on purpose at that

you give me funny looks and pretend caring

until I don’t know what to do or say

I will give some people just a little bit of credit though

those who try to understand without all the labels

those who care enough to say I will be ok

without sending me to the doctor

to be poked and prodded

when the answer is right there and you still don’t see

just how easy it is for me to punish me

you told me I was bad and stupid

you told me you didnt need me

one day I had to stop letting you hurt me

now its my job...

the only thing I can promise is

no one can hurt me more than me

Forever Etched

Forever etched

permantly in my skin

with  the razor

on the surface where

 people can see

 

the words i hear

the words i think

can now be seen

 

with a blade

while i try to hide 

from the pain

i carefully write

steady and thoughtful

carve and slice

until i can see

what my thoughts have to say

Being Me

being me is can get complicated
i wake up and i no longer know
who i am
everyday i live
its just another battle
to stay alive
to get up
to keep moving through the fog

no one really can know that the life i live
gets darker day by day
i cant look in the mirror
because i dont know the face that
looks back at me
i stay alive because anything less
would leave me lost
because im expected to
because there is nothing else
i was the perfect child
i am the broken child

behind this mask that i live in
the real me waits
until the day
that being me
doesnt leave me questioning
i wait for the day when i will wake up
and not wish, hope, or pray for death
i wait

Trapped

sitting

silently

dont think

pretend not to hear

the walls closing in

no where to run

pushing thoughts away

thoughts pushing in

no one to hear

afraid

alone

wanting to cry

no one to see

questions are thrown

strangled with answers

afraid

fear

no one to see

in the corner

crounching

hiding

flashing lights

thousands of thoughts

right

wrong

blinding pain

alone

sleep

dull voices

whispers all around

waiting

watching

trapped

Broken Fantasy Mirror

Broken Fantasy Mirror

Theres a mirror that hangs in my room

In a place where only I can see the things that I believe

The place where I left my hopes, my dreams, my future

My plans to escape to a better place where theres no need for tears

I looked in the mirror and saw who I wanted to be

The little girl from so long ago

With a family filled with love and happiness

I looked in the mirror and saw all who left me

The mother and father I never knew

The sister who was taken too soon

I looked in the mirror and saw the place I wanted to be

A place full of sunny days and laughter

where I am safe from harm and no longer hurting

I looked in the mirror and saw a better world

Where no one is picked no, hit or yelled at

A time when everyone was given a fair chance

I forgot about the mirror when I had to stop dreaming

When I was pushed to realize there was nothing there

The illusion is gone and the childish happiness faded away

Now when I look in the mirror

I only see me

and I wish more than anything

to be someone free

Life can only be understood backwards
It must be lived facing forward